Happiness, hit her, like a train on a track Stuck still, coming towards her, no turning back -- “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence Welch & Isabella Summers This year has brought a lot of necessary change as well as some mighty useful life lessons. After three years of wrestling with whether or not I should move to Los Angeles, I shifted into gear and drove across the country and landed in the San Fernando Valley. I quickly became accustomed to the LA area traffic windows, pedestrians and the unfortunate parking situation that is known as the City of Beverly Hills. I mean what is there not to love about this town? It is beautiful here and it usually boasts awesome weather to boot. While I wish I could say this journey has been all smiles and no frowns, I would be lying. I recall that in one of my resolutions from last year I stated that I felt God might have some intentions that were not on my radar and He did. Enter Life Lesson #1: For reasons beyond my understanding at that time, God deemed it necessary that I get clean and sober and stay that way. After taking a couple of classes with Mastin Kipp (you can find him over at The Daily Love) I came to realize that my lack of sobriety was the one thing keeping everything from falling into place. It became clear to me that God was holding the key to my being able to stay in LA and that the only way He would hand over that key was if I handed Him my alcohol – something I wasn’t willing to do, but under the circumstances I had no choice. As the fog cleared and I started feeling feelings I’d never really felt before ( aka loneliness) I stumbled upon … Life Lesson #2: I found my Creator and Sustainer and He wasn’t mad at me nor did He want to punish me; quite the contrary, He wanted to love me and prepare me for the gifts He still plans on giving me. As I continued on my sober journey and took a second class with Mastin, I came to realize… Life Lesson #3 … that my fear of not being good enough is the root to every problem I have, including the alcohol. I learned that I continually sabotage myself by subconsciously seeking out people, places and things that reinforce my status of “fuck-up” or “black sheep” or “not good enough”. I learned that I have continually put myself in situations where I either didn’t have a chance to shine or never could shine so that I could keep my comfort status. I apparently decided that I’d rather amount to nothing and never achieve anything than face the fear of finding out if I am indeed good enough for myself, my family, my friends, much less a good man and the lovely masses. So for 2013 I only have one resolution and that is to reinforce the positive in my life, which in turn allows me to face my fear of not being good enough on every level possible. This means putting myself in situations where I have responsibility so I can start changing that comfort status of mine. God, being several steps ahead, already has things set in motion. I have a new job where I am learning how to handle studio assets and accounts, a volunteer position where I am learning how to handle the media portion of a church service and an internship where I will be handling a live show or two come spring. I am also reinstating my writer status and have three projects to kick me off. Reinforcing the positive also entails spending time with quality people that have good hearts and good minds and are supportive in nature and you know actually give more than a flying hoot when it comes to my world. Happiness does indeed sometimes hit like a freight train, especially for those like myself who fear anything that is actually good for us. I define happiness as a change that you don’t want or fear because you don’t realize that it sets the stage for all the things you want to come into your life. For me, sobriety hit me like a freight train. I hated it. It turned my comfy, miserable world upside down and made me realize what was actually keeping me in a deadly holding pattern. It also set the stage for me to uproot my greatest fear from my life and thereby make it possible for all the things I have secretly wished for to finally make an appearance in my life. So as we start this New Year, my only question for you is what is your freight train? What change do you need to make? I cannot promise it will be an easy ride, but I can promise it will most definitely be worth it.
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Once a tissue box, now a prayer box. They say that Jesus loves you. What about me? - Jewel Oh, the T-word… I spoke about it last month, but it is has been a serious struggle for me this month. Yes, the word I am referring to is TRUST. I have to say that I have been in and out of church my entire life, but I don’t think I ever grasped the real, everyday concept of trusting God. I guess in a way, I have always had other people to rely on in the event I got myself in any sort of physical or financial strain, whereas, now I do not. While it is important to trust God for a roof over my head rather than a park bench, which is a reality that is extremely too close for comfort at this moment in time, my main concern is my seemingly inability to trust that God really does love me. A Christian man at one of the meetings I attend always asks me why I’m having such a problem because as a Christian the twelve steps should come easy to me. This made me think about the things I easily trust God with versus the things I have a hard time handing over to Him and leaving in His care. What I found is the things I have absolutely nothing to do with are easy to hand over, but the things that I play a part in are the things I keep taking back. As it turns out, I have a serious trust problem. I mean the Bible doesn’t say our works makes us righteous; it says our TRUST makes us righteous. Never mind the fact that my inability to trust states that I have more control than my Creator and Sustainer. I mean come on! Yes, the choices I make and the actions I take do have consequences, but if I am honestly doing the best that I can and seeking God’s will daily, does God not honor that effort and add His touch to the situation? Did I not write about this last month? I guess I should add that I am having a problem seeing myself as a person of worth and value which is why I am having a hard time grasping the reality of God’s love for me. All of my self-sabotaging ways are a result of this deep inner feeling that somehow, some way I’m just not good enough, but God has an entirely different view. God created me to be a blessing and not a curse. He created me for a specific purpose and has a specific plan for the contributions I will make to this world. I’ve been trying to force myself into agreement with God’s view of myself and getting absolutely nowhere except for Discouragementville. Then I heard God whisper that I am trying to make a leap where I need not make one. All I need to do is be willing to accept that what He says about me is true. If I am willing to accept that what He says about me is true then I can be willing to act like what He says about me is true and as I act like what He says about me is true I will eventually become His truth. I will become all that He says I am. I just have to be willing to accept His truth, which allows me to act on His truth, which will at some point down the road make me His truth. AWESOME. I’ve started praying the following prayer each morning: Lord, help me to trust You. To believe that you really do love me and to know that what You send me is good. Because sometimes the best presents arrive in the ugliest wrapping paper. And when the rain falls down You know the flowers are gonna bloom And when the hard times come You know the teacher's in the room Excerpt: MICHAEL FRANTI - HAVE A LITTLE FAITH LYRICS To say this past month has been an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement. I stay very busy between job hunting, my internship and other projects I have on the burner, but my addiction has been making a very convincing play for my life. I find that nights are the worst, which is when I would typically drink. I am also in amazement at how quickly I am returning to the person I was ten years ago. I thought I had evolved, but it turns out I was just drunk all this time. Today happens to be a good day and by that I mean that the monster living somewhere inside me is asleep. I see my addiction as this little green monster that stays locked up in a cell and from time to time he wakes up and throws a temper tantrum, which is when I crave like a crazed maniac. I just have to remember that if I feed the monster, he will get bigger and eventually break out of the cell and destroy my body and my life. But, if I do not feed the monster, his temper tantrum will eventually give way and he will give up and go back to sleep. The key is to not feed him. I recently read in 2 Corinthians that Paul talks about feeling as though the end is near, feeling as though there is no way out, but that his God continually rescues him. This made me think about my own cravings because when they come, they come strong and hard and I feel as though I will die if I don’t drink. It occurred to me that during these times I need to just talk to God about what I’m feeling and ask Him to handle that monster. I find that sometimes, just talking to God about my cravings and the fear and depression that comes with them can help restore some of my sanity. It also occurred to me that if I am having a craving when I have somewhere to be and feel too overwhelmed to go, I should make the decision to do nothing more than show up and tell God that He will have to handle the rest. Just showing up, after all, is something I can handle regardless of my state of being and I have found that when I am honest with God, He tends to honor my weakness by adding His own touch to the situation whether it be a friendly person, an easy on ramp, a parking spot right in front of the door or a renewed mind and spirit, I find that He shows up when I do. In fact, this entire post is an example of God honoring my weakness in that I honestly chose to sit at the computer even though I didn’t think I had anything to say for this month. With holiday season nipping at our heels, it turns out this is a great time to post about reliance on God. If you have a roof over your head, food on your table and people that love you then be THANKFUL for the gifts God has given you because these things we refer to as necessities really are nothing more than gifts from our Heavenly Father. If you are lacking in one or all of these departments don’t feel bad or unworthy. Instead, turn yourself over to God all day everyday, surrender to His will and ask for His plans for you. I have no doubt that He will see you through not only this holiday season, but through the rest of your life as well. Let me just put it this way, if He still has a plan for my self-sabotaging and addicted butt, then He has to have a plan for you too so talk to Him daily, get in His word and just keep showing up. Do these things and let him do the leading and you will have peace in knowing you are exactly where you are meant to be in order for His plan to unfold in your life. There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin. You hear people say it all the time: Let me throw back a couple of drinks and I’ll be ready to hit up that bar or that party or that event. Hell, I said it all the time. I couldn’t leave the house, aside from work, before I had at least a drink or two in me, but why? What made it necessary for me to be lit before I could have a good time with people I considered close friends? What made it necessary for me to be lit before I could present a speech on a topic for which I cared deeply? What is it that I am choosing to drown instead of face? The answer is that dreaded four-letter f-word that seems to permeate every race, nation and walk of life… That word is FEAR. Fear has been with us almost since the beginning of time. In the Garden it was Pride that caused Adam and Eve to partake of the one tree that they were commanded not to touch. When Adam and Eve sinned, fear resulted. They became aware of their differences, they became aware of good and evil and as a result of this new knowledge they became afraid. They were so scared that God had to call them out from their hiding places. They immediately realized they were in over their heads that they had bit off more than they could chew, so to speak. The good news is that God never wanted us to live in such circumstances. The words “Do not be afraid” and “Fear not” occur over and over in His word to us, the Bible. 2 Timothy 1:7 claims that God did not give us a spirit of timidity and fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline. If you think about it, we are the ones who gave ourselves this spirit of fear when we decided to partake in that which we were not allowed. The moment we invited sin into this world fear came rushing in with it and fear continues to run side by side with sin creating havoc in our daily lives. Since we are the ones who invited fear into our lives, we have to be the ones to give it and all its friends the boot. How you ask? By choosing an action that leads to a state of empowerment rather than an action that leads to a state of powerlessness. For me, my use of alcohol directly corresponds to the amount of fear in my life. The more I am drinking the more timid I become… Well, not while I am drinking, but a system gets put into place without my even being aware. For example, let’s say I am meeting a large group of people for dinner. I know the majority of them, but there are going to be a bunch of friends of friends as well. Being a little shy, I decide to throw back a couple of stiff ones before I leave. I arrive at the party with confidence. That little voice in my head that does me damage is silenced…err drunk and so I am able to strike up conversation after conversation and have an enjoyable evening. Never mind that to everyone else at the party I am clearly lit… I am having a good time and making friends. That’s what it’s all about right? Well not exactly. You see, the problem is that next time I have an invite to dinner with some people I may not know, I am going to feel the need to drink beforehand and the more I rely on drinking to make me feel at ease and chatty the more trapped I become. What appears to be an easy and fun way to relax my nerves is actually a noose I am tightening around my own neck. The more I rely on the drink as opposed to myself, the tighter the noose gets and the more powerless I become. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I have unknowingly conditioned myself to require a drink in order to do anything that makes me feel the least bit uncomfortable. What’s even worse is that daily ordinary life tasks become harder because I have also inadvertently taught my meager little mind that whenever I leave the house there is a chance for discomfort so my mind reacts by creating a state of fear around very normal mundane things like going somewhere new or trying to find a parking place. All of a sudden I am hit by a panic attack of sorts because my brain wants the alcohol to shut up the little voice that’s freaking out… after all that’s the only way I’ve taught my brain to deal with any discomfort. Luckily, our brain, yes, that thing that keeps us alive by telling our organs and muscles when to do what and why, is actually trainable. I, myself, am in the process of getting out of the fear cycle. I have been sober before and I have to say that I actually have had the better times of my life sober… maybe that’s because I can actually remember them. Last time I was sober I realized how much of life I was missing while drinking. Experiences are so much richer when you are completely present for them. I also really liked the person I was when I was sober. A funny thing happened: as alcohol was pushed out of my life, the less timid I became for a while…. Then a resurgence of fear returned. Just like with any sort of behavioral training sometimes there are set backs as the mind suddenly realizes its own transformation and for some reason it gets scared. It realizes it is in new territory and suddenly longs for the days of old where it knew how to handle what was coming at it. In the end my fearful brain won out and I returned to drinking to calm my nerves, keep me comfortable and retain what I thought was a spec of happiness. As I returned to the drinking my fear came back tenfold and this confident, chatty woman became the most timid being on the face of the planet. A lot of my creativity and productivity also suffered. Basically I became less and alcohol became more until I once again got fed up with having to have a drink or four in order to have a good time. That’s no way to live! I remembered how strong I was when I was sober and I remembered how good it felt to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and I wanted that feeling back. I am penning this on the evening of September 11th, a day in our American history where we all felt a loss of power both as a nation and as individuals. Our nation and our people wasted no time bouncing back from this tragedy for we were not going to let our enemies have the satisfaction of seeing us whither and die under the cloak of fear. I have no plans of doing such either. I am around three weeks sober as of this writing. To say getting sober this time around has been difficult would be an extreme understatement. I find myself scared of pretty much everything these days, but each time I venture somewhere new I know I have a choice to make. I can either face the fear, humiliation or whatever it is hiding as in my brain, head on or I can just retreat and promise to try again tomorrow. The funny thing is the times I choose to face the fear head on the more things seem to fall into place like I’ve initiated some sort of snow ball affect for blessings. On the contrary, the times I find myself unable to face my fear and choose retreat instead, I seem to invoke a rather evil snowball affect where countless things go wrong until I am able to choose to face my fear again. In other words, each time I choose to properly empower myself and live out 2 Timothy 1:7 I render positive consequences in my life and isn’t that what we all want? This might come off a bit conceited, but bear with me because those that know me, know that I am not the least bit of the sort. And with that said, I think the problem with America today is that we have a lot of Christians living in the infancy stage. They haven’t gotten to a point where they are able to be tolerant of others and not have it impact them and their faith in a negative way. I was once such a Christian and after some agnostic/Wicca years and a long rocky road back to God I can understand the ever-present right and the ever-present left of our society. I think the ultimate aim of a Christian is to represent Christ to the world. We are to live our lives as a testament to Him and His love. Unfortunately, many Christians find themselves doing the exact opposite even though they are blind to the fact. In order for one to be tolerant of others, one must be firmly rooted in their own beliefs and confident in their own preferences and choices regarding lifestyle. I firmly believe this is the biggest hurdle to why many Christians are not able to be tolerant of others beliefs or lack there of while still showing God’s love and acceptance while living a life of love and service to others. It takes a lot to be surrounded by those who don’t believe the same as you or live a lifestyle the same as you and still love and support them without loosing some of your own personal convictions. The simple truth is many of us are just weak when it comes to certain sins. I know that was my hang-up. Each of us has our own area of weakness. Some of us have trouble keeping our pants on while some of us have trouble telling the truth while some of us have trouble coveting the blessings of others. After all, to God, it is all sin. No hierarchy, just sin and it puts all of us on a level playing field whether we want to admit it or not. And don’t think I don’t realize that there are plenty of non-religious people that could use a good talking to… because for every infant Christian there is an infant non-religious zealot doing the exact same thing, but I cannot speak to them since I am no longer one of them.
God loves us where we are. He doesn’t require us to change who or what we are in order to receive His love. He takes us as we are and He slowly molds us into better human beings as we progress in our relationship with Him, our creator and sustainer. He sends the Holy Spirit to be the convicting force in our life. Our friends might support the notion, but it’s not their job to convict. Conviction belongs to the Holy Spirit. That’s why Yeshua said, “Those without sin shall cast the first stone.” He knew no one would be able to stand in judgment against another and instead they would be compelled to stand in love with that other human being. My personal walk has held inside it a lot of scenic routes and I am thankful for these adventures as they not only help me better understand those with opposing beliefs, but they help me to firmly ground myself in my own beliefs as well. I’ve made no attempt to hide the fact that I once left God because of the church- hell; the church almost cost me my life. The reason being I once mistook the church and it’s leaders for being God, which they are not. The only convicting power on this planet is that of the Holy Spirit. I believe that our job as Christians is to be an example of the love of God for every human being on this planet. We are to tell others of His love and live that love out, but we are to leave the convicting and the changing of life or lifestyle to God. He can do it. He’s done it in every follower of Christ on this planet and He can do the same for every follower of Christ to come. It saddens me how so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ are so hard hearted to those a little different from themselves. Even when they admit to being full of sin they don’t seem to have any compassion for others nor care to find out why someone believes or acts the way they do. How can anyone impact another without even trying to understand where another is coming from or trying to imagine walking a mile in another’s shoes? I come from a long line of southern pastors, but I have not always believed in the existence of God, but He never held it against me and even after I believed and decided for a time that I might have been wrong He still loved me. He was always standing beside me with arms wide open ready to welcome me home. And when I finally did come home, He didn’t scold me and He didn’t make me change into this person I was not – He just loved me and that’s what He asks of those who follow Him - to simply love others in the same way that He has loved each of us. We are all full of faults and a whole lot less than worthy than we would like to believe, but He accepted us as we are and we should do the same for everyone and especially those who have yet to find Him. If you are a Christian looking to make an impact in this world I challenge you to just love people. Tell others of how much God loves them and follow it up with examples of how God proves His love to you everyday. If you want to push something, push an honest and ongoing conversation with the creator and sustainer of this universe. Be kind; treat people the way you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes… After all, Yeshua, himself, said everything rests on loving God first and then loving your neighbors as yourself. For He said there is no greater commandment than these. Yes, it is true that Christians need to step up and take back this country, but not in the way it is being propagated: For it is by our love for not only one another, but for all of mankind that we shall be known as His. I have to say that these past two weeks have been a very exciting and busy time and while I do have several blogs in progress I do not yet have any of them finished. After finalizing my new digs, I had to find a bank, find health insurance, contact my car insurance, clean out my entire life and decide what’s coming with me, change my mailing address with the entire world, get my car checked out and the list goes on and on does it not? One thing I can say for sure is that I have been at the feet of God begging for discernment and confirmation throughout this entire ordeal and I thought I’d share a few things with you because it is awesome and not all that often when you ask Almighty God for something and He delivers immediately.
As always, I have to take you back to the beginning. It was Thursday, June 14th and I was going insane with worry. I mean I was seriously starting to question this whole move because I simply could not find a roommate due to my location. That night, I begged God to let the next puzzle piece fall if this move is right and good for me. The very next day I had three roommate options. I felt in my heart that this was God saying a gigantic YES in regards to Los Angeles and that it’s not some stupid dream I’m chasing, but is instead an actual part of God’s plan for my life. So after I got this information, I was still on the fence as to whether the time to move was upon me and so I begged God to make it abundantly clear to me that now is the time. I specifically asked Him for another Los Angeles area employer to contact me regarding a position and reminded God of all of the crazy things people in the Bible asked of Him in order to confirm His will in their lives and how, to the best of my recollection, He always answered these requests. Now, I knew I couldn’t make God answer me, but I sure could plead my best case and I did have an honest desire to know whether or not I was moving within His will and more specifically, whether or not I had His provision. The very next day a film production company in Hollywood contacted me regarding an opportunity. So at this point I know it’s LA or bust and I needed to pick the right roommate option and this time around I simply asked God that if He had a better place for me to live, He needed to bring that place into my life before I finalized a move-in date with one of the three options I mentioned earlier. No, another roommate did not show up, but God brought to mind a lot of positive things about this option and my brother spoke to someone who lives in the area and was told that it is a really nice, safe, family area and great for a newcomer. So at this point you would think I’d feel good about picking up my life and relocating it to Los Angeles, right? Well, wrong. There is another huge piece of the puzzle missing. It is called income. It is important. You know what else is important? Health Insurance. I have applied for an individual policy, but due to that giant C word, I do not know if I will be allowed entry into the health insurance club plus there is the fact that I might not be able to afford the premiums due to that giant C lurking in my past. I find it rather harsh and rude: Congratulations you are a survivor, but please accept our sincerest apologies because if you get it again we will most certainly not help you survive it again! Anyhow, that’s a soapbox for another day. Where was I? Oh, yes, you would think that I would have peace about Los Angeles at this point. After all, God provided immediate confirmations, but I was still freaking out. What can I say? I am human. So my last and final request concerning the whole money issue was that I would have an interview set up in Los Angeles before I leave Memphis in order to confirm that a job is coming my way and soon! Of course, this would also confirm that I would either be able to afford the insurance premiums or be under a group policy in the not too distant future. I have to admit that I felt very wrong making such a request, but I was reminded of the outlandish requests made of God in the Bible by those, who like me, just wanted to make sure they were in God’s will and had His provision. If you haven’t guessed already, I have an interview set up for Tuesday, July 10th with a staffing agency in West Los Angeles. That call came two days after I made the request. So as I drive Interstate Forty west this week I do have an overwhelming peace that I am in God’s will and that I do have His provision and that knowledge makes the trip that much sweeter. I know the first few months are going to be a little rocky, but I have faith built on evidence of God at work in my life that I am going to be just fine. I hope all of my readers that are celebrating this holiday week have a safe and happy 4th of July and if Winston is reading this from over THERE: Stay Safe & Come Visit When You Can! If God is still talking… then He hasn’t given up on you yet and if you are a believer in God, then you should know that coincidences are the actual footprints of God in our lives. So with that said, you don’t open up to the same page in a book twice and think nothing of it… at least I don’t. I was actually browsing books for a gift and happened upon a title that caught my eye. I took the book off the shelf, opened it up, appalled at the topic it opened to, shut it quickly and put it back on the shelf. I continued browsing books and eventually came back to the first book. I again, took the book off the shelf, opened it up to the exact same page and thought “Ok, maybe I need to read this” and so I did. As with many stories I have to take you back to the beginning, which would be the prior evening.
I was in bed reading Joel Osteen’s book, It's Your Time. One of the main themes of the book is along the lines of as long as you are doing your best for God, He will create doors where walls once stood. That particular night a sentence jumped out at me. That sentence read: Your attitude determines whether you move forward in God’s divine plan or whether you stay put. The next day while driving home from work I turned the radio dial to 95.7 to hear a daily broadcast from Bishop Brandon Porter. His message that day was in regards to how ‘our little is preparing us for our lot’ and that when God gives us something, whether it be a small thing or a huge thing, we are suppose to make it better than it was before. In other words, we are suppose to do our best for God knowing that there is a reason this task was given to us and not someone else. This reminds me of Steve Jobs when he said you just have to have faith that the dots are going to connect somewhere in the future. Anywho, like I said I was driving home and on the way I stopped by Barnes & Noble to pick up a book for my mother. I was actually planning on picking up Joyce Meyer’s Battlefield of the Mind Devotional, but the store did not have it in stock and so as I browsed the rest of her books my eye immediately fell on Be Anxious For Nothing. After opening up to the same page twice I decided to read that page against my will and it told me that while we are waiting on the Lord we are suppose to bear the fruits of the Spirit and not walk around angry, miserable and defeated. Hmmm…. Right then and there I knew God was really speaking to me. I had recently told Him that while I used to pride myself on being on the scenic route in life that I was no longer enjoying the ride and that I was ready for the direct route. I told Him I had goals that I wanted to accomplish and that I was even interested in having a husband, possibly even a family and a place to call my own where I don’t get attacked for putting too much of my stuff in the fridge. Most of my friends spent their twenties climbing the ropes in their preferred careers whereas I spent my twenties doing everything but my preferred career. My friends are now enjoying the fruit of their labor while I have a whole lot of labor and absolutely no fruit: Nothing to be proud of or enjoy. I feel like I’ve been on a loopty loop for ten years, seriously. Interestingly enough, it was the very day that I said this to God that all of the above began. I personally believe that God is trying to tell me that the key to my getting off of the loopty loop and boarding the express rail is to start producing the fruit of the Spirit and keep producing them no matter what. And I do have to admit that it has been these last ten years of personal and career dissatisfaction that have helped me get rid of the shyness and timidness that plagued me for most of my younger years. In fact, I can say that had I not had these ten years of “ugh” I would not be mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready for where I am headed. I can also say that even though I personally did not care for what I did career wise, I sure did learn a whole lot that I can take with me because everything I’ve done is of the universal kind. From overhauling a human resource department to helping run a utility construction office, I’ve either worked in or been exposed to every possible department within a business and I have a feeling that this experience is what is going to land me my next job only this time I’ll be in a preferred position, within a preferred company and in a preferred industry. I will have gotten off the loopty loop, boarded the express rail and finally be in a position to make something of this life that I am living. But as God has beaten over my head, it all starts with the fruit. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control…These are the fruits of the spirit and we are to produce them no matter what. Life doesn’t wait to start until you are in your perfect position so neither should your production of spiritual fruit. You just have to know that where you are right now is preparing you for where you are going and once you get there you’ll have the ability to look back and just marvel at how much God knows and just how much we do not. And sense I'm being honest here, I do have to admit that this post was birthed about a month ago and there have been several instances since then where God has tapped me on the shoulder regarding the whole doing your best for Him no matter how much you detest your current circumstances. As far as He is concerned until you are out of those circumstances you are suppose to be doing your best for Him no matter how much you want to burn down that building, shoot that boss or strangle that coworker. And wouldn't you know, here I sit about 8:45 pm on May 30th half listening to Piers Morgan Tonight while reading through this post very aware of a slight stay of execution regarding my move west and BAM! Crap! I mean if I'm going to put something in my blog I should be practicing that which I preach so I am going to do my best from this day forward to be my best in my current so-ready-to-be-out-of-here circumstance until I am actually out of the circumstance and if I happen to find myself in another similar position until I get my footing in Los Angeles, then so be it. I 'll just keep producing spiritual fruit knowing at some point the tides will turn and I will get the personal and career satisfaction I desire. P.S. All praying folk are welcome to pray for traveling mercies as I make my way across the country sometime this month and while you're at it… a job with benefits would be nice too! Love, Light & Laughter to all my readership! “There comes a moment when you have to stop revving up the car and shove it into gear.” – David Mahoney.
Anyone remember that video you saw in biology class? You know the one where a jaguar has two little cubs and the male cub is very active while the female cub is timid and refuses to do anything but hide? Well, for some reason I have always identified myself with that female cub. In the video this female cub’s fear causes her to refrain from activities that would teach her to survive resulting in her becoming someone else’s dinner. From the moment I saw this documentary something inside of me said, “That’s me. And that’s what’s going to happen to me.” Why, I haven’t the slightest idea. There is no proof to back up such a thought, but nonetheless, I have believed and acted upon that very thought for quite some many years. I am now in the process of taking back my God given power. I think I’ve been afraid to make mistakes. Someone I once looked up to spoke about how if we get off our divine paths we would miss the blessings of God. While I think this person probably meant well, I took what they said and allowed it to create a state of fear in me and just like that female cub I chose to simply not. I’ve never had the privilege of being one of those lovely people who practically came out of the womb knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their lives and my timid personality did nothing but prolong the ugly situation. As life would have it I have gotten a well-rounded idea of what I do not like and what I do not want to do with my life by refraining to do and just be. So now I am starting over at the about to be lovely age of thirty-two. Am I scared? Yes. Do I care? Not really. If I want to design a new life for myself and go after my own God given dreams I cannot stay in my current city, as it does not meet my needs. And I have to admit that the prospect of just picking up and moving across the country in the middle of a not so great economy does not sit too well with eighty percent of my being. The other twenty percent, however, is one hundred percent on board with the notion. This whole scenario has me thinking about Abraham and Isaac. I mean if I’m this uncomfortable with the simple notion of moving across the country without a secured job, how much more freaked out was Abraham to take his son up to that alter! Thankfully, for Abraham and Isaac, God only wanted to see the extent of Abraham’s loyalty and never actually intended on making Abraham perform such a sacrifice. That’s pretty much the scenario I’ve been hoping for… However, there are times when God does want us to step out of our comfort zone and do something that we might have zero comfort in doing. But if God does require us to step out of our comfort zone or go through something unpleasant we can be sure He has a reason for asking us to do so. I have found that God usually uses such experiences to teach us something about ourselves, about Him or both. Take the very well known tale by the name of Alice in Wonderland, for example. Alice struggled with doing what everyone told her she ought to do versus living life by her own rule book and following her heart. During her trip to Wonderland she yet again gets confronted with everyone trying to tell her who she is and what she is supposed to do only this time she was being told things she couldn’t begin to believe about herself or her own ability and it was not until she remembered who her father was that she realized who she really was and finally harnessed her own power. Drawing a parallel between Alice in Wonderland and God might seem a bit odd, but just like Alice, once you and I realize just who our spiritual Father is, we will recognize that we too have the power to make our own God-given dreams a reality. Will there be fear? Yes, but one thing I’ve learned you can always count on is this: God will either provide the way or walk with you hand in hand the entire way through. So, if you, like myself, are about to embark on a journey that you know you must make, but feel a bit overwhelmed concerning those darn what-if thoughts… Well, take heart. God has a plan to either supernaturally supply what you need like He did for Abraham or He will walk beside you the entire way while imparting His wisdom to boot. Either way, if you keep close to God and keep moving forward you will reach your destination and come into your own destiny and I know I will too. How come it is so easy for us to believe in our doubts, yet so hard for us to believe in our faith? After all, neither has any absolute concrete tangible proof so why do we always tend to lean towards the negative instead of the positive? Many of us can trust God to get us from our house to our office without a major traffic accident, but we crumble when it comes to trusting God to open up the right career door or introduce us to the right mate. What gives? God is still God. He hasn’t changed. He is still the same God that parted the sea for the Israelites to cross to safety. He is still the same God that healed the sick, led Ruth to Boaz and out of love actually made the sun reverse direction to prove His promise to Hezekiah when He added fifteen years to his life. He is still the same God that conquered death and rolled away the stone from His own tomb thereby making it possible for you and me to have a hope and a limitless future. Does anything really seem too hard or impossible for this God of Israel? Is it really impossible for Him to open up an opportunity for you? Is it really impossible for Him to introduce you to the right mate at the right time? Is it really impossible for Him to move you by His supernatural hand? Is it absurd that you should focus on your limited resources when God has limitless resources in the form of divine appointments, moments of favor and mind bowing miracles some of which we have become so accustomed to that we have forgotten that they are miracles?
In my own life I find myself constantly struggling between believing God for the promises He has placed on my heart and crumbling with doubt and uncertainty in complete bleakness and misery. I know God did not place me on this planet to flail around screaming and crying and freaking out, but I sure do find myself doing just that much more often than not. A worried and doubtful heart is not a good thing to have as it leads to confusion and makes it very hard for its owner to accomplish much of anything and I have to say that my life thus far is living proof of the fact. I have to wonder how my life would change if I just stopped doubting and chose to believe the promises God has placed on my heart. I know I’d have a lot more peace and a much better attitude and who knows… things might go better too. Now, will everything go exactly as I want it to? Probably not, but that is where faith in God’s Timing comes into play. Timing is important. A pastor here in Memphis believes that the Israelites had to spend those forty years in the desert for a reason. This pastor believes that the Israelites needed time to walk with God and by doing so they learned to trust and obey Him and that they needed that trust and obedience when it came time to enter the land of milk and honey God had prepared for them. I too have had some recent experience in the “perfect timing” department. For instance, I recently toyed with the idea of emailing some rabbis in a city where I knew a particular family resided and attended synagogue. About a month later I finally got around to sending that email and would you know that not only did I pick the right rabbi, but a member of that family was in the office when the rabbi opened my email and read it to this person who then jumped on the computer and responded to my email and graciously included his contact information. I’m sorry, but I still find that whole scenario somewhat mind-blowing. Had that particular member of the family not been in the office the exact moment the rabbi read my email I could have gotten lost in a mountain of paperwork or even had my email deleted due to the weirdo factor, but thanks to right timing none of that happened. I believe this to be an example of how God is still in control of time and for good reason too. So since we are in the season of miracles what with Passover and Easter each celebrating a mind-blowing miracle of their own concerning the redeeming blood of the Sacrificial Lamb… I am kicking doubt to the curb. No more giving power to my doubts by believing them. Instead, I am choosing to believe God and the promises He has placed on my heart no matter what. From now on I am answering my doubts with God’s word and only His word. I am going to be thirty-two soon and I frankly cannot afford to spend another day wondering around confused, worried and defeated because I am allowing my fears to grow stronger than my God. Happy Passover/Easter to those celebrating and may the miracles involved in each serve as a reminder of the great and awesome power of our God. I have to say that I am both a skeptic and a seeker at heart, but when you have personal life changing experiences with both God and the devil you tend to cease with all the questioning and start listening and can be a wonderful thing. I have decided to keep this particular post short and sweet and in doing so I will not be sharing my first hand experiences with the devil and his minions for it is not he that I wish to bring any sort of glory to anyhow. Instead I will focus on three very powerful experiences I have had with what I believe to be angels or archangels.
The very first visit is engrained in my mind and I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I was in very bad sorts and in the process of desperately crying out to God. I was sitting on my bed to be exact and in the middle of pleading for help from both God and His warrior, Saint Michael the Archangel when I suddenly looked up and over to my right. To this day I have no idea why I looked where and when I did, but I feel that something or someone made sure I saw what I saw and that was what I believe to be Saint Michael. There floating right about eye-level next to my chest of drawers was a beautiful golden sphere of light. The center was pure gold and it had rays of gold extending out in every direction. This sphere was only there for a second or two and then it was gone. It took me a minute but I realized that the formerly cold and heavy room I was sitting in was now warm and glowing with an abundance of love. I felt light as a feather and had a smile the size of Texas plastered across my face. I giggled and giggled and giggled in complete and pure delight and the feeling lasted for about three or four days. All I can say is that I was in complete peace. Every care and concern of this world had vanished and I was in a state of pure ecstasy. I cannot put into words what my soul felt for it is simply beyond words, beyond this human experience. It took me a long time, but I eventually came to the conclusion that what I felt that night and for the majority of the rest of that week is only the tiniest smidgeon of what it must be like to be in Heaven. And yes, to this day my mind is still completely and utterly blown by this revelation. The second visit occurred in the middle of service at the messianic synagogue I was visiting. A family had come in with a woman who was obviously fighting cancer and she sat beside me. I learned that this was the first time in quite a few months that she was strong enough to attend service. Consequently, the rabbi wanted to bring her up front and have the congregation pray for her. I believe, at the time, she had undergone a surgery and was gearing up for a transfusion and chemo with no guarantee of any sort of success. Needless to say, the medical doctors were doing all they could and if God had any further purpose for her on this planet He was going to have to step in as human medicine was about to run out of options. The rabbi called her and her family up and the congregation began praying as the rabbi rebuked the cancer. Afterwards, she returned to her seat, but there was something very different. There was a presence with her that was not with her before. I was absolutely thrilled to bask in this overwhelming presence of peace, as I needed some myself. As the service continued I slowly became aware of the fact that since I am sensitive I may very well be the only person in this synagogue who knows that this lady had gone up to get prayer and had come back to her seat with an angel. A year later, I was still visiting the same synagogue when the rabbi reported that this woman was in remission. It was on this day that I realized I had been privy to a miracle and I never even knew it. I use to get really upset about being a sensitive, but after this experience I am no longer upset about it. I may not always understand nor like some of the things that come along with being sensitive, but being privy to a miracle is pretty much one of the most awesome things anyone can ever be a part of while being on this planet. The third visit also occurred in a service at the same messianic synagogue. This time the visitation occurred at the closing ceremony of Yom Kippur. During the service I had specifically asked for freedom and that my mind, heart, and third eye would be guarded. As the shofar sounded I felt lightness in my chest. The feeling became bigger and lighter and I felt as if my soul might implode or explode… I wasn’t sure, but the feeling was lovely. I assumed that it was my soul-self recognizing the sound of the shofar and it was not until I got in my car afterwards that I realized I again had a smile the size of Texas plastered on my face. I laughed and giggled uncontrollably all the way home. This time I had been in close proximity of what I assume was an archangel and I hadn’t even been aware of it. I was floored yet again. I have a few guesses about this visitation: (1) Angels came close to watch over the closing ceremony, (2) the sounding of the shofar brought angels into the service or (3) I was freed from a stronghold like I requested during the service. Either way, I know that heavenly visitors joined in the closing ceremony and I think that’s just awesome. Like I said, short, sweet and to the point. I am still floored over the whole smidgeon of Heaven bit, but God’s been blowing my mind a lot lately and I for one hope His trend continues. |
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